“Thanks so much for all the wisdom and inspiration you share.  I have a son (age 11) who zapps so much emotional energy from me.  Over the last several months, I’ve really been trying to see things as they are and trying to determine how to handle things.  He is a great kid.  He’s the first one to help a younger sibling who is hurt or to give up his ice cream cone is one of his younger siblings dropped theirs.  He is also the one who complains the most, rolls his eyes back into his head and gets “that look” when things do not go his way.  I know that he is often “out of instructional control,” but for some reason, I haven’t “gone all the way” with consequences with him.  After asking myself why just this morning, I realized that I’m scared I won’t be able to emotionally handle all the fuss he will dish out.  I am trying to avoid it.  I know that this is not benefiting him or me and is hurting us both.  So, my question is, now that I’ve realized this and know that I must go the distance and utilize the 24 loss of privilege consequence, how do I get the guts up enough to do it?  Is there anything you’ve learned that will give me strength to see this through?  I know that once we make it a habit in our family, it will be much easier, it’s just the starting that’s hard.”

I have felt what you are feeling.  It is so hard to want them to follow through with cause and effect when you know it will initially make life harder for you. 

The only thing I can say is that this parenting calling you have isn’t really about you as much as it is about him.  If he is rolling his eyes and arguing, he is not happy.  You want him to be happy.  That is why, up until this point, you have continued to give him more chances and tried not to make big deals out of some of his behaviors.  He is abusing you, your family and most importantly, himself.  The only way to help him choose not to be so selfish is to show him that choosing to have an attitude problem is choosing emotional bondage.  The best way I know of to help children understand this is to have an ultimate consequence in place that illustrates bondage.  Loosing privileges for 24 hours is physical bondage.  Understanding physical bondage will help your son not choose emotional bondage and disconnection from the family mission.

You have to just DO IT!  Tell yourself that you are going to follow through NOW because you want life to better as soon as possible, for everyone.  If you never give him a reason to choose control, he might not choose it.  You have to use your system.  

I had children that would self mutilate, threaten suicide, get violent, get depressed, cry, argue, you name it.  I knew exactly when they would not be able to control themselves too.  I dreaded their outbursts, but I also knew from experience that after they lost their privileges for 24 hours 1-3 times, they would rarely loose that much control of themselves again.  

Being able to loose 24 hours of privileges will free your son of many of his selfish behaviors and help him find happiness in his relationships at home.  24 hours of no privileges is a GIFT that you as a loving parent gives to him to help him change his heart.   

Jump in!  The water is fine!

Some days I am running so fast from thing to thing that my full life makes me feel empty.

Some days I have such a long list of things to do that I feel overwhelmed.

Some days I realize I am overwhelmed and empty inside and I decide to to sit on the couch and read to my children instead of going for the super woman award.  These connections fill me up emotionally and help me put things in life into perspective.  It does great things for the children too. 

Life is too short to waste on lists and running around town.  Do something that really matters today.  Connect with your family.  They need it and you need it.  Trust me,  today was one of those days. 

On a behavioral note; relationship building time gives everyone a reason to care how things feel at home.  There really can’t be too much of it.  Behaviors improve when relationships are a top priority. 

“Another question I had was, does the rule of 3 start over for each incident?  Are the 3 consequences for staying out of instructional control as relating to the first incident?  I just want to make sure I understand correctly.  So if a child hits his brother, and gets out of instructional control and has the consequences for that earlier in the day, and then later disobeys about something different, the rule of 3 would start over for the later incident, correct?  Consequences aren’t cumulative for different offenses, so that because the child got to SODAS with hitting his brother and getting out of control, the next thing he did that was naughty wouldn’t earn him 24 hr loss of privileges, but starting over with an extra chore, correct?  Or am I getting this wrong?”

If your child is unable to follow instructions, then you use the rule of three. 

If later in the day your child goes “out of instructional control” again, then you begin the rule of three again; starting with the first instruction and the first consequence. 

If the youth was “out of instructional control” and you began the rule of three, and they calmed down, but then five minutes later picked up the same behavior again, related to the same thing, then you resume the rule of three in the same place you left off before.  The youth is obviously not calm, and not dropping subjects in a case like this. 

If your youth chooses the highest consequence possible and then acts up again, related to the same thing.  You don’t need to do the rule of three again, because they are obviously still out of control.  You simply need to inform them that they are still out of control and so their 24 hours of no privileges will not begin until they are able to follow instructions and remain in control of themselves. 

If your youth chooses to loose all of her privileges and then accepts the consequence, but later goes “out of control” over a new issue, then you will need to decide how to modify the rule of three for use when all privileges are already lost.  I typically stick to my same three consequences, and just inform the youth that the 24 hours will have to start over, so all the time they have already worked etc. will be lost. 

Just a quick reminder.  Most children only need to choose to go out of instructional control 1-3 times, and have to follow through with the rule of three before they will not ever choose to earn any of the rule of three consequences again.  Being consistent will actually make everyone happier, life easier, and self mastery will happen faster.  Oh, they will occasionally test you to see if you will still use the rule of three, but usually just seeing your consistency is all they will need to choose to stop the negative behavior that they chose. 

The following question and answer deals with something that many families deal with.  In order to raise the kind of family that is going to reach our 20 year vision, we have to make choices that are different from the mainstream of society.  These decisions are full of rewards as well as challenges.  Trust me, the rewards far out-weigh the challenges. 

 ”You mention something in the beginning of the first CD that struck me right off and I’ve thought about a lot ever since.  “I’ve often felt that the Lord has chosen me to stand apart from the world.”

I had been feeling the same thing before then, but you put it into words for me.  I don’t want to go into any lengthy personal details, but I feel the same way.  And it’s not always easy, especially when I see others stepping away because of choices that I feel are right for me even if they aren’t right for everyone (like # of children, homeschooling, etc.).  It’s really bothered me for the past several months.”

When I was young I got the distinct impression that I was part of the special generation of people.  And, just because it was impressed upon me a long time ago, doesn’t mean that it isn’t still true.  I still feel the truth of this statement, and live every day of my life the way a chosen person should.  (OK, I’m not perfect, but you get the point.)

We are a chosen generation.  We are part of a chosen people, in a chosen land.  We have always had a HUGE responsibility to prepare the way for great things to come. Great times are coming.  Ordinary people like us have the extraordinary task of preparing the children in our lives to recognize good and evil and know what side they are fighting on.  Our children were chosen to be armed for battle by us.  There is nothing ordinary about this parental task.  We are working for the Master.  Even if we hit wall after wall and roadblock after roadblock, it doesn’t change the fact that we are working
for the Master of the Universe. 

Socially, some people will never win!  I am probably one of those people.  Not because I try to be offensive, but because I serve a higher master than my own vanity or society’s standard. This can make me not fit in at times.  There is a scripture in the Bible that says that a prophet is always hated in his own land.  For many of us, that is a harsh reality.

Lately, I have also had attacks from people in my community because of
choices that my family has made.  It hurts when you try so hard to love
people and be friendly, and then find out that those same people speak
judgmentally behind your back.  It feels lonely to be the only family around
who says NO to some things because you see a bigger family picture than
immediate entertainment.  I have felt all of these things; very recently in
fact.

I have been impressed to feel pity for my accusers, and attackers.  The
picture they have of life is negative.  They focus on destructive, bitter
feelings.  These feelings hurt them, much more than they hurt me.  They are
the real victims.  They hurt their own prospects for JOY, and don’t see it.
I have made a special effort to reach out to all the people who don’t like
me with a hand of kindness, and joy.  I have chosen to praise people in my
community for all that I can find good in them.  Good makes good and bad
makes bad.  The principle applies to all relationships.

I also had to look at myself.  I have been blessed with many truths and
understandings that others haven’t felt yet.  This is some times
frustrating, because everyone wants to have friends to converse with on
deeper levels.  How are you?  is friendly, but doesn’t feed your soul’s need
for spiritual connection with other spirits around you.

Looking at myself, I found that I must be humble.  I need to ask more
questions, listen more, and talk less.  When I do offer up bits of wisdom I
try to do it in a way that is sincere; done with the spirit of love.  If I
don’t feel that spirit, I don’t say anything.  Now, sometimes they might
still be offended.  That is OK.  They are probably insecure.  Security is
part of maturity.  If you are patient with them, it could come in time.

If you want to improve relationships  read “Bonds that make us free”

If you want a clear picture of what it means to be a parent on a mission,
read “The Dream Giver”

In “No One Can Take Your Place”, Sheri Dew says that being a leader is
lonely.  I have found that 100% true.  Part of knowing that you stand for
something is also knowing that you have to stand apart from the world.

Since I know this, I have decided that when ever I feel lonely, it is
because I am a leader, and God knows that I can handle the pains that come
from pulling away from the crowd.  That is why he put me here, NOW.

Lead!!!  Know that there are other parents around this world that are
leading with you.  You are socially alone in your battles, but that doesn’t
mean that you are alone in purpose or Spirit.  Being a GOOD parent is hard
work.  But, “If life were easy, it wouldn’t be hard”, and then we wouldn’t
grow more capable to perform our God given missions on this earth.

With Love,
Nicholeen

“Thanks!  It helps a lot to know that I can have both personal standards and a family standard, and to hear your experiences.  I think I have been afraid to set an example and refuse things for myself that he wants because I don’t want to start an argument.  But I guess it is all in the way it is done, not trying to manipulate or judge but just to honor my own standards while still respecting my husband.  I appreciate your help!”