OCDs and Fears
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My almost 8 yo son sometimes seems to exhibit obsessive thinking. This past week he has suddenly become fearful that our upstairs floors will break somehow, letting everyone fall into the basement and get hurt/killed. He has asked me about how strong the floor is numerous times, how a floor would be able to break, and even told me tonight that he picks the baby up off the floor just in case it breaks because he doesn't want the baby to get hurt. He has fixated on things like this several times in the past (although I can't remember the exact details of them now). I find it very disturbing, especially because my family has some history of mental illness (my brother is bipolar, several of my cousins are bipolar, my mom and a sister have struggled with depression). I guess hearing these kinds of things from my son makes me think he is going to have mental problems too.
When I mention my son's behavior to my husband though, he tells me he believes a lot of mental problems are created in families through their discipline and relationships. He has quite a bit of experience dealing with people with mental issues because he interacts with people who have such issues everyday in a medical role in the prison system. My husband also tells me that he thinks the Teaching Self Government techniques are contributing to my son's compulsive behavior, and says that I am creating perfectionistic thinking and perfectionist children through the immediate consequences, and causing my son to obsess about things.
I know you have had experience with kids who have been diagnosed with obsessive behaviors--what do you think? Do you have any advice on helping my son when he acts like this?
About your 8 year old son. I don't know him personally, but I can tell you what I know personally about his behavior. I used to do the same thing when I was young. I would hear people talk about someone getting stabbed in bed and then I couldn't sleep well. I had to keep moving around every couple of seconds just so the people, who I imagined were under my bed waiting to stab me, wouldn't know exactly where I was laying. I would even leap onto my bed from great distances so that the people under my bed couldn't grab my feet and pull me under. I always thought someone was following me when I was outside walking to friend's houses because I had heard stories about kidnappers. I couldn't take a bath on the upstairs level of my home if my family was down stairs because I saw a movie trailer for Psycho. Was I obsessed? Yes. Did I stay obsessed? No. Can I tell you I never feel strange when walking out alone at night? No. But, I know where fear comes from and I know what to do about it now.
Without knowing your son but knowing myself I am going to say, "your son's obsessive behaviors probably have nothing to do with learning how to govern his own behaviors and everything to do with an active imagination and desire to control his surroundings, as well as good old fashioned fear, which is a dark thing and comes from a dark force. Whatever you do, don't watch scary movies, go to haunted houses, or watch movies which make your son feel out of control. Those things will only add to the problem right now.
I would have a good counseling session with him and talk to him about his fears and where those fears come from. Then see if he can tell you why he started fearing the things he is fearing. Set up a plan for him to come talk to you every time he has his fears so that you can talk him through them.
As far as teaching him how to control his own behaviors having a bad effect on him. I don't think that is possible in this case. I would think he wants control over as much of his surroundings as he can have to be happy. Also, there are so many people who teach their families like I do who are not having the kinds of problems you are having.
Also, the Utah Youth Village, who specializes in youth with mental, emotional, and behavioral problems required that I use this very program which I teach to other people, except it was more about behaviors for them and less about change of heart, like I teach it. I have added to the program I used with the Youth Village, but not taken anything away to speak of. I think the system should be safe to use with your son even if he has mental problems. The system I was certified to use at the Utah Youth Village was The Teaching Family Model, which is used world wide for treating people who are emotionally disturbed and have mental and behavioral issues. I think you are probably doing your little boy a great favor by teaching him how to control his anxieties. Just make sure you do it with the Spirit of love.
Take heart. He will probably grow out of his fears. I had paranoia problems at his age too, and by the time I was through with high school I was done worrying about everything accept walking alone in the dark. I am still cautious about that too, but don't panic about it anymore like I used to as a child.
I know there are people who really do have mental problems which include obsessions, but unless he becomes really extreme I would ride it out for a while. If talks with him don't help and plans to help him conquer his fear don't help, then I you could seek professional help. If I could observe him I could tell you more. I had foster children with OCDs. One of them had fear issues too, but her OCD fears were because she used to read those "Goosebumps" books and get locked in her room for days. After being away from the books for awhile she was significantly better, and I also made sure we had regular talks about anything she might be afraid of. Not that I encouraged her to be afraid, but I always wanted to keep the communication lines open. Since I used to have OCDs, it was pretty easy for me to notice when she was having a problem, so we would stop and talk about the problem right then. My foster daughter is now a mentally healthy adult too.
Another thing that made me choose to conquer my fears was I wanted to be a successful adult and I knew that happy successful adults didn't walk around with fears all the time. So I conquered my fear because I had a personal vision. I helped my foster daughter get a vision too. You may want to do something like this when your son is old enough to care about becoming an adult.
The most important thing you could do is pray with your child when he is afraid. Good and bad cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Teach him to come talk to you about his fears. When he does have a positive consequence for his good decision and then talk about the situation and pray. Make sure you always have this counseling time in private so that the other children don't judge or adopt behaviors to get positive consequences.
I hope this helps. He will come around.
Nicholeen
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