My son will almost always come and have me soft hold him during rule of three and will generally calm down on the first one. Many times when my husband is around and I've gotten our son to calm down my husband will say something to him after he's calmed and my son will get all upset again. Then my husband says that this stuff isn't working and that he's not getting punished for the thins he's doing because he calms down. Also after he's upset my son again my husband will comment on how he's not staying calm. Today this happened and my son calmed down and then my husband came out and started talking about how my son didn't have any privelages and he'd better get his jobs done now. After my son was gone I asked him to not get involved if I was taking care of a situation and I'd do the same and then he went on about how this isn't working. He feels our son needs a good, hard spanking but everytime we've used punishment, especially spanking,our son retaliates so I know in my heart that it's not what he needs.
conflict with spouse
It sounds like you have really made some great steps toward keeping yourself calm, and trying to help your son feel that it is safe to calm down.
Since I am not there to see exactly how you relate to your son and how your husband does, I am going to guess a bit here.
It sounds like your husband needs to see someone is in pain in order to feel they have learned something. This is a classic power struggle mentality which most parents actually sub-conciously believe. Don't lose patience with him. If you put yourself against him, all your relationships will get worse. It sounds like he will take time. Are you still on the Implementation Course? If so, I just answered a question on last week's call about this. Check it out.
At the end of the day, you have to do self-government for your happiness and your relationship with your children. So, if your husband isn't sold on the idea yet, do it for you and don't let his differences in parenting get you down. Pray for him to have a change of heart, and remember that "proof is in the pudding." Some day he will notice that you are calm and happy and have a close relationship and he doesn't, this will inspire him to change. I hope you don't have to wait that long, but it took that for my husband at one point.
He has changed 180 degrees over the years, but at first it took lots of prayer and patience.
Stay Positive and Loving,
That's a difficult situation. Having your spouse on the same page about self-government is an essential part of family government. It sounds like you and your husband have differing opinions about how a family government should work. Before you can have an effective family government, both of you have to be on the same page about how it should work.
What resources of Nicholeen's have you used? Have you read the book, listened to the audio seminar, or taken the Implementation Course? I know that Nicholeen's book shares the story about how she helped bring her husband completely on board. If you already own the book, reviewing that section may help.
I recently read a book which might help you in talking to your husband and working through any differences you might have about how your family government should work. The book is Crucial Conversations, by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler, who are the cofounders of VitalSmarts. It has helped me to be better able to talk through difficult decisions and help other people participate in a productive dialog and come to a mutual agreement.
Like all self-help issues, and especially self-government, I struggle to implement the things I learn perfectly for myself, let alone as my wife and I apply it in our family, so I can understand at least some of the frustrations you may be having. I think the key is to remain calm, take ownership of your own self-government, and do the best you can, basing your own actions on true principles, rather than application strategies that may or may not apply to your specific situation. The most important things you can learn from her book and parenting philosophy are the principles that are taught. Look for the universal principles, and seek to apply them. Nicholeen's book does share strategies in her book of how she has implemented the principles. If they feel like they apply try and implement them, but trying to apply strategies in spite of what your husband feels and thinks will only damage your relationship with your husband and will do nothing to build your family government. The best strategies for a successful family government will always have you and your husband as full participants.